Dear March

“Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing."

"We accept the love we think we deserve.” 

~ Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Dear March,

You’ve been a really weird month.

It’s always interesting when life grants you the opportunity to be Karma...

Allow me to explain, but first there are a few things you might not know about me.

I’m an only child.

I’m an adult child of divorce.

I have a wonderfully close Lorelai/Rory-esque (Gilmore Girls reference) relationship with my Mom.

My father and I have not spoken to each other in almost three years.

We never had a close relationship really, and by the time I turned 12 or 13, it only became worse.

He always told me I was just a mimic of my mother, and that I simply regurgitated her thoughts and opinions.  At times he even treated me like I was simply her appendage; and during their numerous separations while I was growing up, I was viewed more as a bargaining chip he could use to control my mother.

Though outwardly charming, charismatic, and a smooth talker to acquaintances, strangers, and even friends, in private he was hypocritical, manipulative, and emotionally abusive.  He was the kind of man who used religion out of context to further his own agenda, loved confrontation and arguing, could never admit to his mistakes, had little empathy for the feelings of others, and had little respect for any figures of authority. 

In other words, he was a classic case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

Our very last conversation with each other was an argument that took place over the phone not long after my parents’ divorce was finalized. He had called to plead his case and claim my mom had lied about something that occurred during mediation. But the scenario he chose was one where I was a witness to the events that took place; so I knew he was lying. And I went off on him. All the pain and resentment that I had buried deep down inside me for so long was unleashed.  For once I felt like I had a chance to say all the things I’d never been able to say to his face.

And he hung up on me. Twice. Because he called back and when I answered, he hung up again.  On the third call, he told me that he would appreciate it if I would stop answering the phone because he “wanted to leave a voicemail for me to listen to when I was rational again.”

So I hung up on him.

He proceeded to call me back eleven times in row, and I answered and hung up on him every damn time.

He was never able to leave that voicemail.

And that was it.

Flash forward to May 1, 2015. Early Sunday afternoon.

I receive a random Facebook message from a stranger. A woman. I don’t recognize her name or profile picture. I have one mutual friend, a cousin of mine.  There is no other indication that I know the woman who contacted me.  She asks me to please speak to her, and I say I think she has the wrong person. She insists that she had the right person. That it’s urgent she speak with me. That she needs me to promise not to tell a soul about the conversation. That she dated my father.  That she basically is still dating him...has been for four months...but that they are currently on a break.  However, before this break, they were practically engaged to be married. As in, her shit was currently in a U-haul parked out on his property.

She then basically asks me to talk her out of marrying him.

For a moment, it felt like I was in a parallel universe.

She says she has always found it strange that he has no contact with his only child.  She herself is a mother of two. She had a terrible first marriage, and her greatest fear is making another mistake again. Particularly since she has seen warning signs with him... hypocrisy, controlling nature, overly religious, obsession with cheating, etc.

I basically had the opportunity dropped in my lap to explain in graphic detail all the reasons why the man was a terrible husband and father... to a person who specifically was seeking out that very information.  Guilt-free too, because I had not gone out of my way to sabotage any of his new relationships; she had come to me.   Although my initial response was to have nothing to do with her, I actually started to feel like I was helping someone avoid making a terrible mistake...and I sincerely believe I would have felt more guilty if I had not been completely honest when she asked about his true nature. I would have been the dishonest one who allowed someone else to get manipulated by him when all I had to do was speak out. Being silent in this instance would have been wrong. Being silent would have only continued the cycle of abuse.

We messaged, and later texted, off and on for over six hours.  It was enlightening for both sides.  It was also emotionally and physically draining. I felt like I was back in that house with him all over again, reliving so much of the pain and anger of my childhood.  But it was also cathartic.  I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  And while I felt like any woman who was compelled to secretly contact her fiance’s estranged daughter out of the blue to seek out information about him... or to dispel suspicions about his behavior... should really realize that that act in itself is already a confirmation that something is wrong with the relationship...I must admit I admired the fact that she actually even bothered to seek me out in the first place... that she cared about my side of the story...about my mom’s side of the story.  A part of me gained some respect for her.  By the end of our lengthy conversation she had profusely thanked me for saving her from getting into a bad situation. And I wished her well in love and in life.

The irony is that she probably would have made a really great step-mother.

I do admit, however, that my actions were not entirely selfless. There is still that small flicker of evil glee that knows I just destroyed my father’s future second marriage... and the fact that he doesn’t even know that it was me just makes it all the more gratifying.

And they say Karma is a bitch.

“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...

but you do have some say in who hurts you.”

~ John Green, The Fault in Our Stars